Forgiveness

What does it mean to forgive?

Well, according to Dictionary.com this is the definition of forgive



for-give 
1.
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3.
to grant pardon to (a person).
4.
to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan. :



It seems pretty self-explanatory, but in reality, its easier to say you forgive, than actually going through the process of forgiveness. A person cannot say they forgive another, without first going through a process of forgiveness.



I know that, because I have said it "I forgive you" when, really, I was still holding onto anger & resentment, and never meant a word I said about forgiveness. Little did I know, you actually had to go through this process of forgiveness, which I'll outline below.





My Process of Forgiveness:



Ok, this process may not be the same for everyone, but this is what God guided me to do, and I know that by my faith & trust in Him that this is what He wants for me.



First, I had to deal with my anger towards this situation. I wanted SO badly to just be angry and let everyone know how this affected me. How horrible my past was, and how I wish things could have been different, and what things would have been like if they had been different.

Anger, resentment, bitterness.....I was all those and I just didn't see a way past it. Ever. I even got to the point where I questioned the existence of a God who loves, because of my past. How could he allow me to endure what I did?



Next, I finally talked to someone. Not a therapist, Not a shrink, but my friend. A very good, faithful, God-fearing woman, who I believe was put in my life for a lot of reasons, and this being one of them. I told my friend things that I'd never told anyone about my past.

She is the kind of friend that when she says "I'll pray for you" she means it. Talking about it helped me start my process of healing, although I didn't realize it, God knew exactly what He was doing with me.



I could feel that I was being prayed for, not just by my friend, but other people were praying for me, and I could tell. I'd wake up in the morning, feeling better & refreshed and less angry each day. I could also tell that God was working in me. I went from being angry & bitter towards God and my offender, to understanding. I felt my heart begin to change as God reminded me that He was always there with me, even through my darkest hour, He was there. He didn't make the bad things happen to me, He protected me from the bad things. (Deut. 31:6- Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.")



I could feel God changing my heart toward my offender. I now was realizing that I am a victim no more, I am a Survivor. I began to talk to this person a little more each day, and I felt myself asking God if it was ok. God was telling me to lay it all down, and He would take care of the rest. (Prov. 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding) So, I gave it to God, and I'm NOT taking it back.



God not only allowed me to tell this person how I'd been feeling, He also showed me some things about this person. He opened my eyes to how the situation affected and tore this person apart.

I started seeing things in another's perspective.....God's. And it was amazing the amount of compassion you can feel for a person when you look at it through God's eyes. (Eph. 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.)

And I began to realize just what God did for me when He gave His only son to die for MY sins. Forgiving me of sins that I didn't deserve, except by the grace of God.
Who was I to deny forgiveness to one of God's children? (Matt. 6:14,15 - For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.)

I know also that I could not heal from my past without forgiveness. I cannot move on and be used in the kingdom of God, if I'm still looking back at my past. Everything that I held onto in the past, is holding me back from the present and the future.

Forgiving also led me to love this person again. 1 John 4:7 (Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.)
I also realized that I cannot hate a person and love others or Christ. I can't speak bad about someone with the same mouth that I worship God with. Which brings me to this verse Prov. 10:12 (Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” )
I chose to still love this person, even after all that I was put through, because of my ability to finally forgive, and because of my love for God. I also chose to love this person because in my heart, I always have, and I desire to love her.

Now, I am working on a relationship with this person. We used to have a relationship a long time ago, and God has presented us with another opportunity to know one another. 1 Peter 1:22 (Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.)

I obeyed God by trusting him to forgive this person and to be in contact with this person again. I know that the love I feel for this person is a real love, because its from God, so I'm not afraid.
Psalm 18:12 (The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold)

I will never truly understand the way my life was, is, or will be, but I do know this;
that I have been dealing with my past, I have forgiven, I love , and I'm on a path to reconciliation.

I'd like to end with this verse:

Phil. 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

Thank you Lord for giving me the strength and courage to confront my past and to move on with a future in love! Amen

My Special Mother

At Mother's Day Out, for Mother's Day, the kids had a fill in the blank questionnaire about their Mommies. I wanted to share Garrett's answers. It's pretty funny! Garrett's answer will be a different color & my comments will be black & bold.


My Special Mother

My mother is the most wonderful mom in the world!
She's as pretty as a flower and she's a very good cook.
Her specialty dish is Honey Waffles. (I guess it takes a lot of talent
to pop one in the toaster oven, LOL)

She weighs 4 lbs (thank you son, lol) and she's 29 years old. Her
favorite color is pink. Her favorite food is pancakes. (hmm, not so much, I think that's HIS
favorite food)
Her favorite animal is my dog.

She likes to go for a walk when she has time and she
is crazy about me hiding.

In the good old days, when Mom was little, she liked to
pick out toys. I think Mom looks funny when she
puts on her princess costume
(for real, I have no idea where this came from unless he thinks those pics of me in my wedding dress is when I had a princess costume!)
I know she's really mad when
she yells at me.

I wish Mom would go to the store with me everyday.
I wouldn't trade my mom for anything, not even a monster truck!
(the monster truck thing had me rolling in the floor. I must be pretty special, he adores Monster Trucks)

All About My Trip

Hey Y'all! So, its been almost 2 weeks since my trip Omaha to visit my family. This is going to be a loooooooong blog, so if you don't have time to read now, maybe you should come back later!! And don't forget to leave me comments, I love comments! :)

On April 23, I arrived in Omaha and was enthusiastically greeted by my Aunt Teresa, Aunt Judy, and my sister Michele (who had arrived just 30 minutes before I did). I was so so happy to meet my aunts (that's just two of them, there are more) and my big sister, Michele. I hadn't seen Michele since she sang in my wedding back in 2002. Hugging her neck was SO surreal. I love my sister so much, I don't think she will ever know how much I love her!

Aunt Teresa made this fantabulous sign for us at the airport. She is a hoot, but a girl after my own heart! I mean, if you can't be goofy with your family, who can you be goofy with?!?

After our awesome chauffer (aka Uncle Stan, Teresa's hubby) delivered us to the house from the airport, we freshened up for a bit before heading out to get manis & pedis. How wonderful that was to be pampered for an hour and come out looking & feeling beautiful!!

We went back to the house to wait for our brother, Danny, to come! He showed up and it was surreal for me again, to finally see my brother after 18 long years. I missed him so much, and I'm so happy that he took the time to see his crazy sisters!

We, of course, stayed up late that night, talking and getting to know our family! I finally met my cousin Jennifer, who is about 5 months younger than me. Apparently there are pictures of us as babies together, though they haven't been found yet. I have been talking with Jen via facebook for a good year now, I felt like I already knew her when I saw her. We are alike in a lot of ways, and I love her to death!

I cannot express how nice it was to sleep in though the next day! What a feeling! I almost forgot what that was like.

On Friday we hung out some more and spent some time remembering moments of those that passed. I won't get into that, because its very personal for me, and something that I feel should be kept sacred and not open to the public, like in a blog.

Friday evening we had a lot of family come over to see us. None of my aunts/uncles had seen me since I was about 2 years old. That's a long time and I'd obviously grown up & changed a lot!

I met my cousins Ashlee & Sara (who are my Aunt Judy's daughters) They are so sweet & beautiful!!

And just a few more pics of more family from that night! We all just hung out & talked and maybe sang a little karaoke!!

They made me sing with Michele. She is a really good singer, and I'm really not! But I still obliged! We sang the song she sang at my wedding "Because You Love Me" by JoDee Messina.

Gettin' down with karoke...it's a Family Affair!

My goofy Aunt Marcia (aka Aunt Mousey) and Bill

My aunts, Judy, Mary Jo, Teresa, Kissy, & Mousey, me, Michele, and cousin Jen!

On Saturday morning, we slept in and lounged around and I got to talk to my Aunt Debbie from Maryland on Skype (which btw I need to get hooked up to) We, then headed down to Panera Bread for a late breakfast! Teresa & Stan were the perfect hosts, and made us feel so comfortable and loved!! And their son Jacob is such a great kid! He put up with us all weekend, and was very polite, but he can play a mean game of poker!

On Saturday afternoon, my brother came back for a visit, and this time he brought his girlfriend, Angie, and her sweet daughter Justine! I'm so happy for my brother that he has someone who is completely awesome to him, and who loves him a lot!! She is definitely a keeper!

That evening we had yet, another family party, complete with karoke & Texas Hold 'Em!

We did not plan these outfits, we have just have great minds that think alike!!

Me & my cousin Teresa!!

Us @ Karaoke night. Judy, Michele, me, & Jen

Us with Aunt Mary Jo & her hubby

Us with my Dad's twin Uncle Ronnie!

Me singing Faith Hill...I think it was the only time at karaoke night that I didn't have my mouth

wide open!

Before Karaoke night.

Aunt Teresa, Michele, Uncle Steve, Aunt Judy, me, Jen

I met lots of others too, that for some reason or another didn't get pics with. I met Aunt Linda & Jim, Uncle Johnny and his daughter Missy, Uncle Mike, his wife & kids. And there are still a few people that I didn't even get to meet!

I had a fabulous time connecting & re-connecting, and its a trip that I will certainly treasure forever. I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to see them all again, and to see where I came from. I love each and everyone in my family, from the sweet & quiet ones to the absolutely insane, crazy ones!